Pride’s Vanity

I wouldn’t say there has ever been anything particularly special about me.  Growing up, I wasn’t involved a lot of sports or break any records.  I wasn’t on a list for my grades and wasn’t part of the gifted and talented program like other kids.  As much as I hoped and wanted to be one of the popular kids, that just wasn’t going to happen. I was a nobody.

However, despite being nobody – I did have a reputation.  I was poor white trailer trash.  I wore clothes and hand me downs from Goodwill and Kmart.  I was one of those kids nobody wanted to be around and was always chosen last for activities.  I was the one everyone talked about and had nothing good to say.  Instead of talking about me in hushed tones or whispers people just said it to my face.  For some I was a punching bag.  Ultimately, I was reminded over and over how I didn’t fit in, wasn’t wanted and didn’t belong.  So yes I did get attention, but no in ways I wanted.

In high school I had developed a life plan and was pretty much following it, up until I started having kids.  It was then I really began to take a look around me.  I had friends who had hobbies and interests and yet I hadn’t really found anything I enjoyed or wanted to take part of.  Most folks, who knew me, didn’t think I was capable of doing much, outside of being a husband and father, I often got the sense from others I appeared helpless.  Living in Portland opened up a lot of opportunities for me to explore different parts of myself and find the things I was good at.

As my wife and I became involved in church I saw this as a safe place where I could begin to explore my dreams and was refreshed to learn God wanted me to achieve those dreams.  I began taking on responsibility, leading groups, creating events and working hard to make sure things went well.  Despite others thinking I couldn’t do much, growing up on a farm I learned what hard work was and I was determined to prove all the naysayers wrong.  No one was ever going to say of me that I wasn’t hard-working and dedicated to what I did.

I heard messages repeated time and again – “Whatever we do, do it as if we are doing it for God.  To God be the glory.  Everything we do is about God and giving him the credit”.  I was told by some not to ever take credit.  It would look vain of me and I wouldn’t go very far.  It was always better to not be concerned with getting any rewards but just being happy to do it, because you were working for something far greater than yourself.

Over time I watched as others publicly got and took credit for what they did.  I seethed with bitterness and anger, wondering why they were so special and got the attention.  Didn’t I deserve acknowledgement for what I have done. Quickly I reminded myself, I was just being vain and needed to remember who I was doing this for in the first place.  The few times others wanted to publicly acknowledge me, in fear of being vain I down played it and told them, thank you but I am not interested .

Over time I would watch as others continued to get affirmation for what they had done and I just kept my anger buried inside.  Reminding myself each time it is wrong for me not to rejoice and be happy for what they have done.  They deserve it.  I would ask myself are you trying to get attention?  Do you have the right motives and heart?  You are just being vain and you need to stop.

Here is where the rub comes in.  While I understand vanity can go to extremes.  We need to hear we are doing a good job.  We need to hear words of encouragement and affirmation.  It isn’t vanity to want to know that serving and giving of your time is for nothing.   I have given years of my life to things because I wanted to and knew it was the right things to do. I’ve also had a great desire to be acknowledged and feeling like you can’t take credit or have to downplay it because you are being vain, is wrong.  I believe we all have been given different gifts and ways to express ourselves that are unique and that should be celebrated.  The fact we are all different and express ourselves differently is in and of itself quite amazing.  Now granted not everyone can be a star or needs to get a medal.  However, we all can use our voices to show others they are appreciated.

God Sightings

Where is the creator, can we see him, is he even at work?  Often amidst the pain, chaos and hurt seen daily it can be difficult to find anything good.  It may even be difficult to find beauty in a world that has so much death and destruction.  It is so easy to take for granted the little things like breathing that is just a normal function of life.

This last year I have had to go back to really thinking and focusing on where exactly is God in my life.  Part of the question asked in our gathered worship has to do with God sightings.  We are asked to share where we have seen God at work around us.  Often times I am at a loss and sit there listening to others share, while I think back through my week wondering where was God at work.  I often think silently, why is it so difficult to think of something to share, there is plenty to share.  So it challenges me.

A number of years ago I read this passage in Deuteronomy that really challenged me – ¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, ²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Since that time I have made it a practice to always point my children back to God for all the things he has done.  The things we can see, taste, hear and touch all reflect a magnificent creator and we are lucky to take part in it.  It is a foreshadowing of what is to come when Jesus returns.

Last week my friend Moe wrote a piece on his blog about miracles – check it out here: http://moenyc.com/blog/2013/2/7/on-miracles It was encouraging, thought-provoking and for me tied in to the concept of God sightings I practice in my home community.

Some things I have since reflected on:

• Seeing relationships restored between family members
• Listening to my children talk about the good things they see in each other and finding something completely different from what their sibblings said.
• Watching my children sleep at night
• My neighbors remembering a homeless man in our neighborhood who passed away and speaking of the good things they remember about him
• My employees continuing to serve selflessly for 8 years, folks who society would toss and throw away, but they see value and significance in
• Friends who reach out and stay connected with me, asking questions about my soul
• The way our skin heals itself from a cut
• Having the pain and hurt in my foot, which caused me not to be able to run, suddenly vanish
• Waking up and celebrating another day that God loves on me through my wife and kids, friends and neighbors

Just as miracles still happen, God is still at work and perhaps we need to refocus the lens through which we see all of it.

 

Not as easy as you think

It seemed as though my life would be better, it would become easier and I would have all that I could ever imagine.  I just had to say those simple words.  I had heard them a few times and been given multiple opportunities to come forward, say the words and have my life completely transformed.

One day I made the choice to do just that.  I was sitting and listening to the man speak and decided it was time for me.  So I raised my hand, went forward and repeated the words he instructed me to say.  Immediately afterwards he held my hand up, let the others know what I had done and everyone clapped and shouted.  Yet somehow I did not feel much different.  It was a let down in some sense, I had this belief that I would immediately feel this huge difference and yet I stood there feeling nothing.  I walked back to my seat and wondered if I would every feel anything different.

Life continued, I continued doing many of the same things I once had.  The next 5 years or so I would sit there listening to different folks asking the same question  and think back over each year, realizing I hadn’t really changed much. I probably hadn’t done it correctly and I had better do it again to be sure.  Yet each time, I said the words, I felt no difference in my life.

In fact life wasn’t at all better because I said the words time and time again.  I still lied and told even bigger ones.  I was still being rejected and made fun of.  The physical and sexual abuse still occurred and my Dad didn’t love me any more than he once had.  All I knew was I wasn’t getting better, I wasn’t really changing and making better choices and the weight of that remained heavily upon me.

As I reflect back on my journey in walking with Christ I see so many areas of failure in my life.  I see all the ways I haven’t changed and some of the very things I struggled with as a boy are still there to this day.  In many areas I do not feel like a mature 41-year-old man.

I had this belief that following Jesus and walking with him would make life easier.  I was foolish to believe my troubles would disappear, I would become a new person and I would even become wealthy.  The life I have been told over and over of what it meant to follow Jesus is not how it has played out in my life.

Following Jesus doesn’t mean your troubles and problems disappear.  You become wealthy and your troubles melt away.  You will do something amazing and great.  You will be used in ways you never imagined to rock this world.  Your life will impact countless others and you will be a person others will look to as an example.  No,  much of this is a false gospel of what will happen when you chose to follow Jesus.  Some may or have had these types of experience, mine don’t even come close.

I have chosen to follow Jesus and that has cost me.  It has made me more aware of how I am as a person.  It has bright to light many things buried deep within me that are ugly.  It has made me see how incredibly messed up I am.  Continuing to pursue my ways brought me close to death on more occasions that it should have.

There’s a battle to do what I believe Jesus is calling me to do and the battle to do my own things and quite often my will wins.  My heart is for Jesus and there is nothing I want more in my life, but I also mess up every single day.  I can be mean, rude and negative.  I stress out about money and finances.  I eat more than I should and am lazy.  I deal with lust that crosses over into an addiction.  I want to look good, say the right things and be well liked.  I yell at my wife and kids and my home can be chaotic and out of control.  I get mad at my friends when I don’t get enough attention.  Yet after making the choice to follow Jesus when I was 7 years old, I have always believed based on what I was told, these things wouldn’t be a part of my life because I would be completely transformed and made into a new creation.  I struggle with feeling guilty because I am not at some point I am supposed to be.

Following Jesus isn’t easy and my life has changed for the better.  Jesus is at work in me daily.  I have made changes in my life and I am a better person today because of him.  The only reason I can say that, is because I have tried other options and nothing else provides the grace, forgiveness and love like I have in Jesus.  The lie we perpetuate and believe in America is that Jesus makes all things better.  While I fully believe we will have a better life, which may mean we suffer here on earth and it isn’t until heaven we get to experience a better life.  I have yet to find where we are guaranteed to have a fruitful, successful life as long as we do all the right things.

I no longer by into some type of prosperity gospel or believing I am owed anything.  I am thankful for what I have, the only way I have found to really allow Jesus to work in my life is by pursuing him.  I don’t have a set way of doing things, each day takes a different route, but I try to come back to realizing the only way I will change is to allow him to use a variety of means to help me see my heart and his conviction to let go and allow him to work through that.

One day, I may become the person I believe I should be or maybe not.  I do know that I will become what Jesus intends as I walk through the journey with him.  Some days are good and some days are better left unspoken, but it ads up to me leaving behind who I have been and becoming the person Jesus wants me to be.

Felony Flats and having all the answers

There is this belief and idea we have and something I have struggled to not do.  We believe we hold the answers and keys to making life better for others.  For whatever reason this consistently permeates our culture.  As a heterosexual white male given way too many privileges I have it forever etched in my mind that I in fact do have the answers so many others need.

As long as I can remember I have heard stories of the United States entering other countries and changing their way of life to our ways, because we have the answers to what works better.  I’ve listened in church to Missionaries sharing about going to other countries and turning their lives around, making significant changes so they had a better way of life.  Yet the question that has always remained in my mind – so what happens when we go in change their ways and leave, have we enhanced their way of life, will it continue to sustain for the long run?  If you look at our country, I can honestly say if we had all the right answers I think it would look significantly different.

There has been a shift in the last 10 – 15 years, possibly longer to focus on not going anywhere outside of our country rather focusing on less fortunate areas of the cities we live in.  Church groups and others have purposely gone into areas that are perceived as run down, poor and lacking in many ways to turn it around and give them the answers they have waited for.  Time and talents have been poured out to help rejuvenate these areas.

I happen to live in an area of Portland referred to as ‘Felony Flats’.  Drug addiction, prostitution, homelessness, theft and murder occur around me.  It’s not the prettiest area or one a lot of folks are just jonesing to move to.  Diversity ranks high in many ways and yet financially we are very poor.  Families struggle to survive, keep their homes or small businesses and maintain a way of life.  We sit right below a very affluent community where looking at the homes and cars driven you know it is a place of wealth and affluence.  Despite that, I still find beauty around me.

My wife and I were once going to be a part of church plant getting started in a neighborhood close to where we live.  Searching for a home to buy in that area left us empty-handed, so we chose to increase our boundaries and we came upon the home we have been living in the last 5 years.  While it will mostly likely never earn an honorable mention on the Street of Dreams, we love our house and it fits for what we need.  We were aware of how this area was viewed, but it did not matter, wanted still moved here.

I am not one to want to live in areas that resemble something out of The Stepford Wives or Knots Landing.  I prefer to live in eclectic and diverse areas that will most likely change me.  When it comes to my kid’s education I am ok with not having to be at “the best” school.  I have learned you can choose to be involved in your kids educational process and do more than just having them attend one of the “best schools”.  I would prefer to build relationships with the staff and families over being pretentious,  looking like we have it altogether or mocked for choosing to raise a large family.

I was in a discussion this weekend that reminded me of how I view my neighbors.  Taking part in an intentional community that purposely started in this area, it often feels like we come up with outreach events for our neighborhood.  At times we can distance ourselves and view it as us vs. them.  We can even refer to the folks who live here in terms others might use that would be less than flattering.  That conversation reminded me that not only is this their neighborhood, but it is my neighborhood.  We live here, patronize businesses, take walks, enjoy the park, engage in relationships with folks and when it comes down to it, we all make up this neighborhood.  It is ours.  They aren’t just white trash from ‘Felony Flats’.  They are my neighbors and many of them have become my friends.

My desire is and will continue to be about building relationships with others who live and work around me.  I once held the mindset it was me vs. them and I could change my neighborhood because I held all the answers for what they needed.    As a member of my neighborhood I see a lot of areas that I believe should be changed.  To think I have the answers that will change everyone is beyond foolish.

As a member of this neighborhood the only way I can do anything is to fully enter in and see myself as a member of the neighborhood.  Sharing life through sharing life stories over meals, walk in and around the neighborhood are the only way I can build relationships.  As I learn from others I begin to share a common vision of what we together are capable of doing.  I hope to see my neighborhood change and the brokenness that ravages disappear.  Until I enter into it free from thinking I have the answers I will never truly know.  The brokenness around me also helps me see my own brokenness and draws me closer to God.  As I look at the ‘felony flats’ of my life it reminds me how God continues to work in me.   He is the only hope of change I can offer to another.

Promotion for who?

Much of what we do is about self-promotion.  We want to make sure we get credit for what we do.  If you are a creative type and want your work to get noticed than it is understood you will have to promote and sell yourself to gain attention.   A couple of friends of mine who are in the midst of publishing books have had to create a platform, gain followers and continually promote their writing as part of the publishing process.  Some have even gone as far as publishing e-books (of which I am not a fan) to give their audience a taste of what is to come.

We have this underlying current in our culture that we have to look out for number one.  We want recognition and accolades to prove our worth.  The more plaques, certificates and letters at the end of our name, somehow equates to us being someone of importance. We even have apparel and other items that display to others just how awesome we truly are.

Even as members of the body of Christ despite being set apart from the rest of the world we choose to promote the things we do.  The services we are having, outreach projects, those serving in other countries, if you read in bulletins or look at billboards and websites you can find any of this information.  I see people posting pictures and sending out Tweets with picture attachments sharing what they have done.  In some ways it seems as though we are patting ourselves on the back for those the ways we reach out and give to those in our community.

I have been reading through the book of Matthew and as I read the words of Jesus in Chapter 6: 1-4 - it clearly warns us about doing things of this nature. “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

I struggle with this myself.  As someone who has a great love for photography, I record much of life behind the lens of a camera and post it to a variety of places.  Included in my picture-taking have included pictures taken while doing outreach events or other activities for the community I live in.  My intent was not to boast or brag, rather share and provide others who were part of those events to see what was accomplished.

This passage has challenged my thinking around what I do.  In regards to caring for others – be it the marginalized, outcast, downtrodden or my neighbor.  They aren’t projects, they are people and I am called to love them.  I am called to provide what I can, I have the means and I am more than happy to share the abundance Jesus has blessed me with.  My neighbors are real people and deserve to be treated just like I would treat my family, with love, not out of my attempt to gain recognition because I am doing something great.

I have no right

I need to admit something.  I want to say I’m sorry.  As someone who believes deeply in my faith I see so much of what has been done that is wrong, hurtful, hateful and pure evil.  What has been done in the name of Jesus, religion or Christianity were things that never should have been done. While I haven’t been around for all of it.  I am willing to take responsibility and say we have clearly missed the mark.

Your gender, skin color, sexual orientation, religious or non-religious affiliation has caused me to feel superior to you because I am what you know to be a Christian.  I am proud of that and it is with that name that I feel it is my right to tell you how it should be.  How I have it all figured out and I know what is the best for you.

Yet the really sad part – for year I have stood by and allowed you to be mistreated.  We wouldn’t allow you to be educated or read the words of the Scripture – we told you what we wanted you to hear.  You became our property.  We allowed you to be enslaved, having no rights, because we didn’t consider you a human being.  We came on your land and took it away from you.  We went to other lands and removed you from those lands and brought you to a new land where we forced you to assimilate to our way of doing things. On the land we claim as our own we changed your way of living and forced you to live in the confines of what was acceptable to us.  You were given our scraps and leftovers, you were forced into places we would never dare enter and let to figure it out on your own.

We force you to give up your cultural heritage.  Centuries and generations of proud traditions forced out.  Took away your language, voices and told you how it should be.  Your ways of living were wrong and now were going to be different – they were going to be our ways.  What we had to offer was far greater.

We made you sit at the back of the bus, hosed you down, set up separate place for you to use the bathroom and get a drink of water.  I refuse to offer you the same choices, freedoms and privileges as I have because your skin is different from mine.

I carry a sign walking up and down the street, screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs you are not wanted, you are hated and going to burn in hell.  I pull verses out of the Bible, take them out of context and use it to back up what you are doing is pure evil. Protesting funerals of people who have given their life to protect the freedoms we all cherish in this country.  I stand outside your parades, clubs and video shops telling you to turn or burn.  I stand outside clinics and let you know that you will surely die for the choice you are about to make.

If I see you coming near me I move away, pass you by without even looking you in the eye.  It’s easier to avoid and forget you are there.  You don’t exist to me and really you are too lazy to get a job.  You are taking my hard earned tax dollars to feed your drug addictions, feed more of your babies you keep having.  You are crazy, deranged and need to be locked up, kept off the streets that are only safe when all of this garbage has been removed from them.

You know who I am, you see me on the streets, see me in the movies and on television.  You know me because I am loud and boisterous and I continually tout how important it is to love others.  I mean I live in a Christian country so of course I am a Christian.  I speak of a love you most likely have never seen or want anything to do with.

I use your body, I lust after you and spend money to feed my insatiable lusts and desires, only keeping you enslaved in a lifestyle you don’t want.

You probably know this already, but those 10 Commandments in that courthouse I spend so much of my time fighting to keep.  I have broken every one of them.  Those very things that I point my fingers at and call you out on.  I have done those very things myself.  I just have an image to upkeep and I won’t be really accepted by my fellow Christians if I choose to be honest, because when you go into a place of worship on Sunday you will find we have our lives all together.

I am broken and a mess.  I am sinful and ashamed of my actions.  The sins I have committed and try to keep hidden – insecurities, judgments and garbage I spew at you are all the things I hate about myself and hope no one ever sees. You see there’s a problem I have.  A gigantic plank remains lodged in my eye and needs to be removed.  Yet I can’t seem to take it out, it remains and I find it easier to point out your flaws rather than deal with my own.

In your darkest moments, moments of desperation, ready to walk off the ledge, collapse from desperation I have failed to receive you with arms wide open.

I have no right to do the things I have done.  I owe you an apology and I need to make things right.  You see the very person who I claim to love and follow with all my heart has called me to something different.  I am called to love you.  See you as a whole person – with skin, a heart and soul.  Listen to you and the story of your life.  Help you up when you are down.  Provide for your basic needs – food, clothing and shelter.  I am supposed to accept you where you are at in your life.  Come alongside you and walk the road together.  Share a meal, have a conversation and build a relationship with you.  I am asked to offer you what I have been given and let the one who offered it to me provide you with the same hope.

Allow that man to work in your life – show you what he will, speak into your soul words that you want and need to hear.  Speak life into your very soul that maybe you are hearing for the very first time.  All him to work in your life and allow you to let go of things that only he can convict you of.  Allow him to change your heart, and use your story to share with others.  Just as I was supposed to do.

I am a follower of Jesus.  It is with a heavy heart that I admit to taking part in those things. I have not fully allowed the very love I speak of to change my heart.  Yet I do hold deep within my very heart – faith and hope.  I know others who desire to love the way Jesus calls us to.  It is my hope you will experience the truest form of that love from others and it will wreck your world forever, just as it continues to wreck my life daily.

And then I have my doubts

For the most part I am certain of my belief in God.  I have read scripture over and over, experienced God changing my heart and watched others experience him.  I’ve had moments where I am certain it could have been no one else other than God who was at work in my life.  I do believe.

I’ve listened and heard others speak of him in ways I don’t know that I will ever understand or comprehend.  I’ve also been told by others of how I can have a better relationship with God.  Read my Bible, pray more, and get up early for quiet times and devotions.  Just be quiet and listen.  Practice these types of spiritual disciplines and you will really know God, you will experience him.

I often am skeptical around others telling me how to do it.  I learned the hard truth long ago, just because everyone else tells you or does it a certain way doesn’t work for my life.  I have never felt the need to go along with the crowd.  Despite not wanting to do it the same way everyone else does, I have given many things valid efforts and yet it always comes down to not working for my life.  I am left trying to apply what best fits in my life and having very few answers.

It is in being told there is a sure-fire way to do things and it not matching that often leads me to doubts.  When what others tell me to do to deepen my walk with God is applied and fails, I have often been left feeling like it must be me who isn’t doing it right or else I don’t really know the God they are speaking of.

Loving others isn’t easy for me.  As much as I want it to be it just isn’t.  I’ve worried about this since I was a kid, what is it inside of me that does not allow me to love others.  I’ve shared this, earnestly prayed about it and had others pray for me.  I admit I judge people by their actions and it prevents me from really wanting to love them as I know God does.  My prayer is – God help me to see everyone the way you do and love them just like you would.  Yet my doubt is if I ever really will.

I struggle with some of the same sins I have since I was a kid – lust, greed and jealousy top my list.  There is this belief and sense that as grown man in my 40’s I shouldn’t have those because Christ has set me free and I don’t need to take part in them anymore.  I get the concept, yet it is often so much easier to go back to those things or allow those things to continue to be part of my life.

That also makes me think that my belief in that my choosing to follow Christ as a young boy was my moment of conversion and that I should be at a very different place.  When I really think each day continues to bring moments of conversion for me.   I make choices each day that either draw me closer to God or push me away from him.  I wish more of my choices drew me closer to him and again I doubt if I really do love him the way I am supposed to.

I am supposed to have answers and say things to others who doubt – doubting their own faith and beliefs. I am obligated to offer a sense of hope and comfort.   When I am asked to prayer and I don’t or I don’t want to, the right answers it always to say I will pray for you.  Yet when I wrestle with my own doubts it feels disingenuous.

I really struggle with feeling like a fake or phony because much of what I believe doesn’t play out in all my actions and yet I have this strong belief that it should.  This causes doubt.  It’s making me re-evaluate everything.  My greatest desire it to have all that I believe lived out in my actions, anything less just feels like I continue to wear masks and live a double life.

What if all the easy and pat answers I have been given when asking questions about God don’t match up?   Most of my life experience tells me there are no easy answers to our questions and yet somehow it is with God?  Can we just explain it all down to sin being in the world?  I fall into that category – when bad things occur I simplify it down – “sin is a part of this world and that’s the reason these things happen”.  But I have my doubts if it really is that simplistic.

What if I have it all wrong? If what I have believed, poured my life into isn’t really the truth.  This means I am an idiot, that stupid country boy from Montana who knew nothing wasted his life following a lie. I sure don’t want that to be the true. That’s probably my greatest doubt.

Expecting to be fed

I sat in a discussion last week with some friends around how we are conduct our gathered worship service.  It was a nice long discussion and it gave me a lot to think about.  One of the questions that came up for me that I posed to the group – were they getting anything out of our gathered times together.  As I sat listening to each person share it hit me that I had asked the wrong question.  Actually this wasn’t the first time in my thinking I have asked this question.

Asking the question of what am I getting out of gathered worship was the wrong question to ask.  The reason I say this is that by going to any type of worship service and expecting it to provide you with something is looking at it from the wrong perspective.  It’s as if I am expecting others and even God to do something for me that will make we want to keep coming back.

While I want God to speak deeply into my life, much of it is an expectation that I have deep life moving experiences.  I’m supposed to walk away from a gathered experience feeling moved and changed.  That seems to be more Hollywood than reality. Which speaks of the culture I live in and can easily get caught up in. We expect to get something out of everything we do.  If it doesn’t do something for us, why take part.  I have to look out for myself and serve my own needs.  So even as I enter into a worship gathering I am still looking at it from that perspective.

In a setting where I am gathering with other members of the body to worship God, my focus need not be about me, but what I can contribute.  Gathering together with others and enjoying their company, listening and hearing about how God has been at work in their life.  Sharing a meal together helps connect and create a greater sense of unity between us.  Raising our voices in song as one praising God.  Reading God’s word and allowing it to speak into my life.  Sharing what’s on our heart – fears, hopes and dreams and lifting those up to God together in prayer.

I often take for granted that God is at work all around me.  God moments happen all the time and I fail to realize them.  As much as God is working in others, he is also at work in my life.  The times when I feel like God feeds me the most, rarely happen during gathered times of worship.  Instead God speaks to me, moves me and changes me when others are not around.  In times of quiet prayer or when I am reading his word is where I hear him speak to me the most and really challenge my thinking and ideas.

Expecting a gathered worship service to do something for me speaks more about my heart.  If I go expecting God to provide me with something, what does this say about my heart?  If I am there to get served, fed and give nothing of myself than I have the wrong motives for going and it would be better to just see a movie.  It speaks more about selfishness on my part.  When I put myself first, I have missed the goal of serving others out of love.  My experiences leave me knowing that when we begin to selflessly love others we indeed get fed in ways we never imagined.

Sense of entitlement

While taking some much-needed rest and actually taking a prolonged vacation, I was able to process a lot of thoughts that have been swirling for many months.   It occurred to me, much of what I have spent time reflecting on deals with betrayal, wrong doing and deep wounds.  Those done to me and those I have caused towards others as a result of my wounding.

It came while in a moment of prayer, I have long-held a sense of entitlement which often crosses into judgment.  I expected to be treated a certain way, spoken to with respect, honored and esteemed for who I am and what I had done.  When those things don’t occur I become upset and respond in less than a Christ-like manner.  I began to place undue expectation on others, looking at and judging others actions, messing with my heart and losing my ability to really love them.

This world we live in is a mess.  Brokenness is something we all have; it surrounds and fills every fiber.   As I seek to pursue Jesus I am able to be transformed into this likeness.  The transformation has been slow and steady but each day I am changed I become less of what I once was and more like him.   I can honestly say, I have yet to make it through a day where I am perfect, but as I continue to pursue and seek him, aligning myself with him, it has changed my heart.  Wounds are healed, what once was a stronghold in my life can be used as a means of speaking of the power of Jesus and pointing to him.

Often the very things I have hated and despised about my life are those very things that God has used to change me and allow me to become the person I am.  Having a Dad who failed to be a part of my life or even involved as I was growing up – I’ve learned the importance of a Dad and the role he plays in a child’s life and I have made the commitment to my children to ensure they have a Dad who is fully involved in their lives.  Being rejected, excluded and mocked has allowed me to see people are valuable, important and what they have to say matters.  It is why I seek to include everyone, see past actions, listen and hear from the heart, speak for the underdog and encourage others.

Looking back I am able to see that all that I have been through continues to draw me closer to God.  The person I am and who I will become is due to all he has given me.  The trials in my life are lessons – lessons of leaning & pushing into him, drawing close & surrendering and allowing him to guide me forward.  As I begin to re-focus that lens, the hard things I hold inside of me begin to disappear.

Am I entitled to my feelings – well I am not so certain of that.  While I should deal with my own feelings, I need to remember that others operate out of brokenness just like I do.  It is also a good reminder of why I should not let the sun go down on my anger.  Outside of death I have no guarantees in life.  To place expectations on others it to set myself up for disappointment.

I am again reminded that I am called to love others just as I love Jesus. Just as love covers a multitude of sins – Love is patient, kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

All of us including myself have sin in our life.  We are sinfully broken.  Love that took a man to the cross and broke the curse of sin so that none of us have to bear that death is the love I need to carry out.  Laying down my agenda to exchange it for the heart of love that comes from God is where I must continue to live.  Anything else belongs to my sense of entitlement.

No Denomination just Jesus

This past year has been a year of trying to fully understand my own theology.  Processing 20+ years – thoughts and beliefs and the biggest question – why?  I’ve come down to much of it was me just accepting what someone within the church told me, never giving much thought to why I actually believed what I did.

In high school when I reached out and really felt God begin to work in my life I was attending a non-denominational church.  It was the only place that offered a Youth Group and so I choose to attend.  As an adult I have attended 2 other churches that were both non-denominational and was actively involved in them as well as served in leadership.   I felt the need to belong, considered a part so I went through the processes of those churches gaining my “membership card”.

After having been part of a membership of various churches I no longer feel it necessary to take part in being a member of a specific denomination.  As I look back through scripture I don’t see Jesus referring to being part of a specific denomination.  He does speak of following him, which is something I am most passionate about.  I am a part of the bride, the church body – those who are committed to following Christ.

Looking back through history I have seen and witnessed denominational pride.  I remember people from my Grandparents generation making comments like “Oh, they are _____________ (fill in the denomination), we don’t care for them.”  You can’t marry them; they are ___________ (fill in denomination).  When I was in high school the small town I came from had Lutheran, Catholic, Community and Mormon denominations.  On various occasions, Lutheran’s, Catholics and the Community denominations did combined gatherings, refusing to allow the Mormon denomination take part because they had a different belief system.  Honestly I remember feeling very upset and torn, because many of my close friends and the girl I loved the most at that time were Mormon’s and I didn’t want them excluded.

When my older kids were younger there was this mindset of the church we attended that we did not associate with any church that wasn’t considered to be “Christian” church.  People had serious concerns around anyone attending or taking part in a service of some other type.  There was this pervasive fear that should you take part in some other denomination you would lose your salvation.  It was better for us to stay safe inside the box.

Much of this life I have experienced is about exclusivity, and I wasn’t a part of being on the exclusive side.  I wasn’t good enough, didn’t match thus not being allowed.  This has only fueled my passion for inclusivity.  I don’t want to leave others out.  I want them included; everyone is important, valid and has a right to take part.  My purpose and intent is always to make others feel welcomed (sometimes I fail horribly at doing this).   I do not wish to support or take part in a system that excludes others for any reason.  In the end I am not the one who will be judging others.

In order for me to connect and really worship God it involves a variety of Liturgy I have taken part in through a variety of denominations.  I greatly respect and admire the Mormon’s for their high value of family; family is something that means the world to me.  The statuary and stained glass items in a Catholic church are incredibly beautiful and allow me to step into what the artist is sharing.  In the Lutheran church I learned to repeat phrases and statements that brought about a greater assurance of God and who he is.  Buddhists do a lot of self-reflection, which is something I spend a great deal of time doing. Muslims practice setting aside a specific daily time to pray – something I have not always been good at. Native Americans care about the earth, caring for it, respecting it, connecting with nature and animals – I often connect most with God while being outdoors.  I also connect with God through turning out the lights, lighting some candles and putting on music.  While I do enjoy some of the newer songs of worship today, I really enjoy old hymns or Southern Gospel.

All of these elements from different types of denominations are what I incorporate into my practice of worshiping God.  One is not better than the other.  Taking part in many different practices over the years has given me a greater respect for how others worship and what is important to them.  I firmly believe that God is pleased and happy with all of those different forms of worship and there is nothing wrong in combining them to have a greater experience worship experience.  I am not tied to only one way of doing it or believing that just because I attend a certain denomination I have to only do it this way.

I am committed to following Christ and being with others that do as well.  I am also committed to living out what Jesus speaks of in the New Testament.  Gathering with others, eating, singing songs of praise, making disciples and loving others as much as I love God.  It is simple and what all of us are called to do.  No one denomination has it all figured out.  It leaves little room to become prideful because of my denominational affiliation.  If was have anything to boast about, let it be about Christ.